Respite?

Updated: Aug 2, 2020

The 13th post had to live up to its fated reputation! Trigger warning - Anxiety and PTSD. The following prose is about a troubled mind dealing with post traumatic stress after a rather gruesome phase in life. So next time you have a troubled friend, be kinder.

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Suddenly, it attacks me.

I am working on this project.

But then there's a silent buzzing.

Everything around me goes numb,

And here commences a motion picture.

More like a live show.


You're getting out of the car.

Phone in your hand,

You've been texting me.

Such sweet reassurances of love.

I'm blushing on the other end,

Your messages always made me happy.


And then you step into her house,

And silence abounds.


You've been planning this for months,

For a year almost.

And I've been clueless, beguiled little fool

Waiting for a reply.

Clueless, to your host.


You sit on the sofa,

Beckon her closer,

My heartbeat stops.

My mind is suddenly slower.

She sits on your lap,

Faces you,

You caress her body,

Ripe with anticipation.


Someone rip my eyes from my head.

Someone rescue me from my brain.

Someone, anyone,

There's an excruciating pain.

Make it stop

Make it stop

Stop

STOP


Stop isn't what you're thinking of.

You kiss her with passion,

Passion stolen from me.

There's a movie playing somewhere in the background.


Please, please, please someone numb the sound.


Please, PLEASE


I try to find reason,

I have to work, I have to focus,

Please let me abandon this season.

But your life is better than a reality show.

And I am a soon to end cameo.

Like many others who's mouths made their way,

To a place which for me was soft as clay.


You're undressing her now,

She's undressing with gusto.

She does that for free.

Free of emotions, free of guilt.

Full only with lust.


My calls are ringing on your phone,

My incessant messages break your flow.

"Oh f#$k that @#$%&".

With the flick of a finger you silence me.

Silence us forever.


My phone is ringing, the delivery guy is here.

Food has arrived.

Respite at last.

But the moment I close the door, it starts.

It's like a perverted part of me,

Likes watching this movie.


I fall to the ground,

Begging myself to stop.

STOP

STOP

STOP

STOP.


My eyelids are plastered to my skull.

My brain produces the most candid images.

You and her, her and you

Rise and fall..

Can I fall further than this ground?

Please, oh, PLEASE!

I cannot take this sound.


And just like that it's over.

My senses return,

I can finally see,

I can finally feel my breath.

But curiously I feel I'm on the other side of death.


The images have burnt through my mind.

They've found a place further than the bottomless pit of existence.

They've burn through my soul.


I just want to cry,

I want to wail, bawl, hurl so much that I throw up.

I want to cry till my breath is reduced to gasps,

I want to cry till my napkin is drenched and my pillow and my bed sheet and my clothes covered in snot.

I want to cry like my heart is ripped open and tears like blood, don't stop,

I want to cry like each particle of limb faces as much pain as the moments we have spent,

I want my tears to overwhelm my love.

I want my skin to dry up and lines to form around my mouth due to twisted cries,

I want to break a finger or a toe to cry even more.

I want to cry till I have no tears left. never. ever.

and then,

I will forget you.


But respite is not fated for me.

The phone's ringing, it's a friend.

The spreadsheet awaits.

The clothes are done.

The food is lukewarm.

I turn away from myself.

My spine aches from my weight on the floor.

I hope this is one of the last times.

But in fact this was just a sniff of the neatly laid lines.


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